3 Main Reasons You Aren't Moving on from Your Ex

1. Holding onto Idealised Memories

We have all done it, held on to the great memories of the relationship and our ex, remembering the good times, the fun times, the exhilarating times. As the weeks and months go on, we forget the bad times, the times we felt alone, betrayed and confused by our partner. Time is great at distorting our memories and shifting them to the positives. My friend had a baby 6 months ago, she said to me a few days after giving birth, 'I am never doing that again'  and just last week she said it wasn't that bad and she would do it again.

When we’re in the throes of nostalgia, our brains tend to romanticise the past, making it seem far better than it actually was, we need to remember to have perspective and look back with a balanced view.

Exercise:  Make a list of both the positive and negative aspects of the relationship. This exercise can help you see the relationship in its entirety, rather than through rose-coloured glasses. Remembering the facts and reasons why the relationship ended can provide clarity and help you recognise that moving on is the healthier choice. You can also do this list for your ex partner too, write a list of all the qualities and traits you liked (good to note what you want in a future partner) but also list the traits, values and pet peeves you didn't like ( good to watch out for when dating in the future)

2. Fear of the Unknown

The fear of the unknown can be paralysing. Not knowing how long you will be single for, how many dates you will need to go on, will you have the same fun and connection with the another person? When you’ve been in a relationship for a significant amount of time, your identity and daily routines often become intertwined with your partner’s. The prospect of starting anew can be daunting, leading to a reluctance to let go. Going back would be easier, less scary and you have more familiarity. Our brains love familiarity and automatically seek it out. But, pining after our Ex is stopping us moving forward with our lives, it's keeping us stuck and not freeing us to meet someone new. Your Ex cannot be your 'person' if they aren't choosing you, don't grieve them as if they were the one. 

Solution: Embrace the uncertainty as an opportunity for growth and self-discovery. Take small steps to redefine your identity outside of the relationship. Engage in new hobbies, meet new people, and set personal goals. By focusing on your own growth and happiness, you can build a fulfilling life that doesn’t rely on the presence of a partner.

3. Emotional Dependency

Emotional dependency on your ex may also be keeping you stuck, you want only them for your emotional support, validation and fulfilment.  This dependency can manifest as a feeling that you can’t be happy or complete without your former partner.  If, over the course of your relationship you had become less independent, spending most of you time with your ex, seeing less of your friends, investing less in your hobbies, becoming single can be a challenging time. Some of the signs of emotional dependency is the want for regular reassurance, fear of abandonment, low self esteem, difficulty being alone and sacrificing your own personal need in attempts to keep the other person happy.

Solution: Building emotional independence is key. Start by practicing self-care and self-compassion. Therapy can also be incredibly beneficial in addressing underlying issues of dependency. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who can offer love and encouragement, it takes a village remember, find your tribe and the different people in your life who can help and support you with different areas of your life. Focus on developing a strong sense of self-worth and confidence that comes from within, rather than relying on validation from a relationship or partner, it can feel overwhelming for a partner to be relied upon so heavily. Getting to know yourself through self reflection and journaling is a great way to start to get to know what you want and like, your non negotiables, standards and red flags and ensuring you have healthy boundaries will also help you prioritise your own needs in the future.

Moving on from an ex is a process that takes time, effort, and a willingness to embrace change. By acknowledging and addressing these three common barriers you can begin to let go and move towards a brighter, more independent future. Remember, it’s okay to seek help and support along the way. Your future happiness is worth the effort.